My Wish

It's easy to think we know one another. I look at my best friend and tell her I know her, I can "read her mind." I think I understand what goes on in her thoughts. It's easy to look at a stranger even, and think "They're a bum" or "They're an idiot." It's easy to think we know who other people are and what made them that way.
Since I was a little kid I've been trying to understand what makes people do the things they do. If someone totally freaks out about a touch on the shoulder they might have experienced some physical abuse. If someone tries to make everything about them, they might not have gotten enough attention when they were growing up. If someone can only see the negative things in other people, maybe they've only been shown the negatives in them self, maybe they were shown to think that way. The list could go on and on, but the point is that everything about someone has a cause whether we know it or not. Things can even effect us subconsciously.
For instance, through all of high school I had crazy, horrible dreams. Every night I'd wake up 5 or 6 times, and it was usually something I could tell had come from an experience I'd had. Even when you don't think about it all the time or even at all, it's still there. Things can still effect you that you'd never thought would.
Another way I've seen this happen in the past couple of years is with guys. A lot of you know that I don't have the greatest relationship with my dad, but I never thought it would show up in the way I act so much as it has. Even this past year I'd do something and then think "What the heck? Where did that come from?" Because I thought I was okay. I thought it wouldn't effect me.
Thinking about those little things when I was a kid that made such a difference in who I am today, honestly freaks me out. It freaks me out that some of those same things are happening to my siblings still. It freaks me out that I have such an influence on the boys I nanny everyday, and the kids I might have in the future. What if I do something that messes them up? What if I can't give them what they need?
Looking back I can see a lot of times in my past that really shaped who I am today in both negative and positive ways. I look back at some of the hardest times of my life and notice how weak they made me feel, but how strong they made me become. I see the good times, days in the mountains or exploring the gutters with my siblings, and I see how reckless I was, and how curious I still am.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to be able to give my siblings, boys, and kids the best shot at life. I want them not to ever know what it's like to feel broken, how it is to feel alone, or unwanted. I will always do everything I can to give them what they need, but at the same time I've come to realize that had I not experienced those things, I would be a completely different person.
If I'd never known some of the troubles and struggles I have, I'd probably be much more judgmental. I hurt for the hurting because I've hurt. I'm strong because I've had to be. I'm thankful for what I've gone through, and I'm thankful for who I am because of it.
I guess what I want to say is that my wish for my people isn't really that they would never have to go through the bad times or know the suffering. I mean yeah, there are things I've experienced that nobody should. Ever. But overall I can't save them from everything, and I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to keep them from becoming the strong, brave, kind people they are meant to be. So I wish they would love and feel and hurt and heal. I wish they would fall and get back up again and again. And I wish they would forgive. I wish for my siblings, for my boys, and for those non-existent kids to go through life, and at the end of the  rough patches to be able to say "yeah, I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the troubles, for the challenges, and for how I came out of them." And I'll be there the whole way, listening, picking them up, and being their ultimate fan.