Looking Back

Holy wow, you guys, 2014 is almost over! I can't believe how fast time passes these days. It really honestly seems to be speeding up all the time. This year has been more incredible, adventure packed, stressful, and educational for me than any other by far.
I started 2014 with a list of 6 things I wanted to do:
1. Go someplace I've never been before,
2. Write something inspirational,
3. Get a tattoo,
4. Take a risk,
5. Read something difficult, and
6. Spend 24 hours in silence.
And I'm happy to say I've done all of these things this year...except the last one. I tried so many times, but my gosh being quiet is crazy hard!
Anyways, like I said before, this year has been unlike any I've had, and really stands out as a year of growing up for me. I grew up in a lot of practical ways like getting my own apartment, buying a new car, getting an internship, and finally figuring out what I want to be when I grow up! (I think.) I also grew stronger mentally and emotionally. I learned about who I want to be as an individual, developed opinions about some hot topics, and gained a lot of understanding of all kinds of relationships.

My 2014 started by moving out on my own. In fact, I just realized it was exactly one year ago today that I moved into my apartment! Living on my own can be described with an assortment of adjectives: terrifying, stressful, liberating, fun, you-do-all-the-chores, and personalized.
I remember my first night here. My aunt called me and we talked for a long time because I didn't want to hear the silence I knew there would be once we hung up, or even worse, the creeping sounds coming from the hallway or the refrigerator motor kicking on. Even a few months into the lease I showed up 15 minutes late for work one morning because I didn't want to get out of bed while the tree branch outside my window was being blown against it and completely freaking me out. Happy to say, however, I'm not scared of everything anymore! That's one thing living by myself has taught me along with how to balancing a budget consistently, hang a 30 pound mirror, and that you really should do your dishes because they're dirty, don't wait until you have to do them because ALL of them are dirty. At first coming home to empty rooms was hard, a lot different from going home to a house erupting with siblings laughing, and screaming at one another, but I got used to it. I found that the more personal I made my apartment, the homier it was, and the homier it was the easier it became to be there. I started getting little things for the kitchen or the shelf in my living room which helped a lot and now I love this place!

The three boys that I nanny checking out my new spark.

I also really loved my car, scarlet. I spent the first half of the year cruising around in my little red grand am singing at the top of my lungs, and feeling the bass pound out the beat, but over the summer she died..I still miss that thing :-( One of her head gaskets was leaking all over the place and I had to decide that it wasn't worth it financially to fix. So I took one last drive...and another..and another. Okay I took 3 last drives and finally took her to the dump, got some cash, and went to the dealership. My Opa (Grandpa) helped me pick out an adorable, economical, and manual Chevy Spark, and because I hate change so incredibly much, I hated it at first. My spark was a big adjustment, I had to learn how to drive a stick, and do without a super loud bass, but I can say now that I enjoy driving it. Once I got the hang of it, the whole manual thing turned out to be awesome.

Youth group paint balling trip!

In August I started interning at my church with the youth group. By working there I get to spend a lot of time with the students and help put together fun events like a fiesta and an all-nighter. I have enjoyed building relationships with the girls and challenging myself to stay on top of the not-as-fun stuff like bulletin boards and washing the couch covers.
Lastly, I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up! I've been practicing yoga for about 3 years now, and I think I would really like to become an instructor. The yoga studio I go to offers a great  yoga instructor certification program which I'm planning to do next year. I've already started studying a lot of the anatomy and breathing behind the poses and asanas which is super exciting to me!

Riding in a buggy up to an ancient castle in Germany.

I've also made quite a few less-visible changes this year. I got a little further outside my comfort zone over the summer and traveled to Germany for about 3 weeks. While I was there I got to make a lot of new friends, see a lot of awe inspiring sights, and shift my view of life a little bit more. Seeing the way that people so far away live can open a person's mind so much to new ideas and ways to do things. For instance people in Germany hardly ever use dryers to dry their laundry, they just hang it up, and since I got back to Omaha at the end of June I have only used my dryer a few times too. It's just so much better for my wallet, the environment, ,and the clothes that way. Not only did my ideas about laundry change, being in another place opened my eyes to different ways of doing things, eating things, or wearing things. It caused me to think and to think outside the box. And I've done a lot of thinking.

Split practice with Carl, my turtle.

I thought about what I wanted to be, and even though I still don't know fully, nor does anyone, what my life will look like I have a much better grasp now than I ever have. Just the other day at work my coworker and I were rolling silverware when he asked me what kind of legacy I want to leave behind. I thought about it for a while and then answered, kindness. That's what I want people to remember of me. Yes, I want to study, practice, and teach yoga. Yes, I want to explore the world, try new things, and yes, I want to eventually have a family, but wound within all of that I want to be kind to all. I hope people remember that I cared about others more than myself, and that I helped in any way that I could. No matter what I end up doing in the years ahead I want kindness to be in it all.
Another huge lesson I've learned has been about relationships. They can be so complicated. There are parental relationship, friendships, professional relationships, romantic relationships, and a whole lot more. All of them are so different yet need a lot of the same things. Something I'm still working on is making boundaries. Especially with family it's hard for me to say no to people or make boundaries as far as how much I'm willing to do for you, or give to you both literally and emotionally. It's easy for me to give too much,to try too hard, to prioritize others so much that I forget about myself. In the end if I do that, empty myself too much for another, I end up resenting them which can ruin a relationship altogether. So I've been thinking about that a lot. Where to draw the line, how much I should do for others and when they need to start learning to do it on their own.
There's one more thing I want to touch on about this year, it was a really hard thing for me to learn, and I've been thinking very much about how to say it so that you'll understand what I'm trying to get across... I hope this makes sense.
Loving someone else should never cause you not to love yourself.
If you're with someone, and you love them, like sincerely love them, that should never keep you from being able to love yourself. I had a relationship like that this past year. It was crazy and amazing. He made me feel like the most beautiful, strong, intelligent woman. He did things for me and treated me well. He told me everything I wanted to hear, but I made a big mistake in that I let him influence the way that I felt way too much. If he did something that hurt me I couldn't pick my mood up. If he did something sweet for me, I'd be on cloud 9. But you have to be able to be happy on your own. You have to be in control of that. He knew how to manipulate me to get what he wanted and he knew what to say to make me feel different things. I loved him, like really loved him, but I could not love myself because I was only thinking about what I could do for him, and how to make him happy. Which he was also doing. Thinking about himself, how he could be happy. Guys, people say love is all you need, but that is so not the case. Love is great, but if you want love to work you're going to need a whole lot of determination, forgiveness, and your priorities in order.
Loving someone else should never cause you not to love yourself. All relationships need a certain amount of boundaries which is something I'm definitely going to keep working on in 2015 as well.
So there you have it! I went to new places, wrote to inspire, got a tattoo, took risks, read some difficult things, and spent a few hours in silence. I formed opinions, changed my mind, and changed my mind again. I tried new things, learned some lessons, and worked hard. 2014, it's been real.
Here's to 2015, to more bucket lists, to unforeseen adventures, and to showing kindness wherever the year takes us. HAPPY NEW YEAR!